JEH: Good morning, Derek, how are you?
DEREK: Not bad, and yourself?
JEH: Good. We’re going to open with a reading from Luke, Chapter 15, Verses 21-24, 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. ’So, they began to celebrate. Amen.
DEREK: Amen.
JEH: So, Derek, what’s your full name?
DEREK: Derek Chlebek.
JEH: Could you spell your last name?
DEREK: C-H-L-E-B-E-K.
JEH: And how old are you, and when were you born?
DEREK: Forty-eight, 1976.
JEH: Where were you born?
DEREK: Central Falls, Rhode Island.
JEH: How many siblings?
DEREK: One sister.
JEH: Are you older or younger?
DEREK: Younger.
JEH: Tell me about your mom and dad.
DEREK: My father, it’s mostly, obviously memories, he passed away when I was twelve. Honestly, I mean, I don’t have any bad memories at all. A lot of; most of my memories aren’t really so much blocked out, like I never made it a point to block them out but have kind of disappeared. I don’t think they’re erased, because, I mean, every once in a while, more recently over the last few years, I mean, I’ll have a flash back or something that I’ve forgotten about or whatever.
But the things I do remember, I mean, he was great, I mean, he was a mechanic, always working. I mean, I think about it now, I was young, I didn’t realize, but he had to work all day and then he’d come home, and even on the weekends, I mean, I don’t remember him never not working on a car out in the yard, whether it was ours, our grandparents’, somebody’s car constantly. Where I even ask myself now, like how much could have really been wrong with all these cars that he needs to.
But always working, but he was always there too, I mean, I was kind of a momma’s boy, I mean, I was my mother’s shadow, I loved her more than anything else in the world.
JEH: Tell me about your mom.
DEREK: She’s, that’s a big part of my story, that’s a tough one. I mean, I think of my childhood as two different childhoods, and partly of that is because when I think of my mother, there’s two different people that I experienced.
JEH: Tell me what it was like growing up as a little kid.
DEREK: I mean, the first part of my childhood, again, with my parents, I mean, it couldn’t have been better. Again, like I say, I don’t even remember any conflicts ever, never heard my parents raise their voice, nobody in my entire family, our family was so close. We lived in a three-decker, I mean, that helped, cousins and aunts were on the third floor, grandparents were on the second floor, we were on the first. I mean, even the outer uncles and stuff, never heard family problems, conflicts, nothing, everything was great. I could see the love my parents had for each other. I mean, we weren’t rich, so I wasn’t spoiled, but I never lacked any, I mean, childhood was great until my father got sick.
JEH: How old were you when your father got sick?
DEREK: When he got sick, I was eleven. I didn’t know, I mean, that’s part when the issues began, because I didn’t realize that he was sick, and, I mean, part of some things that I wasn’t old enough to realize then that I realize now, but there was a period where he seemed pretty different, I mean, he wasn’t physically mean or really all that bad, he just wasn’t himself, and he seemed angrier than normal and stuff.
JEH: Sure.
DEREK: I mean, one thing that I’ve held with me that I’ve regretted, I remember my mother even sitting me down one day and saying that if she were to leave, who would I want to go with. And I was kind of always like the people pleaser too, where I think even if I had chosen my dad, because she had asked me, I probably would have said her anyway just to make her happy, but the fact that she got me to say, her, and then what happened later on, I always kind of, wasn’t happy with her.
JEH: Tell me what happened “later on.”
DEREK: She ended up, all right, who knows why, I can only obviously, theories of why of what happened, but she ended up, in my head I guess she just wasn’t strong enough. My father got sick, and she started cheating on him. And, I mean, I remember, I heard stories from the elders and stuff too, that they just didn’t understand it because they remember taking the walk when they got the news.
And people telling me, “Oh, yeah, she was very scared, she didn’t know what to do, she was upset, she was going to lose my father, she had no idea what to do.” Yeah, they couldn’t explain it either, and to them too it was partly, “Why didn’t she just keep him to the side, and maybe we would never like did an investigation into him or anything, she could have still had us as a family.” Instead of, obviously my family turned against her very, very, very much after that.
JEH: So, where were you living, were you living with her?
DEREK: When my father got sick, she ended up, she actually ended up leaving, she left him. Which, honestly, that’s the first, and I think that’s in my head, “Why”? I don’t know, that was the first time I really, in my head, witnessed, like love, because, like I said, I didn’t know my father was sick. She ended up leaving, and oh yeah, I mean, he got bad enough at that point, where my sister’s nine years older than me, so she was already pretty much out of the house, starting her own life.
So, yeah, I was only eleven, I had to go stay with my aunt and uncle, who were also my godparents. Which, I mean, growing up I loved them, they spoiled me. I mean, I had no doubts when I was child, they did love me and everything, I mean, they took me to Disneyworld and everything, they spoiled me.
JEH: Did they live in Central Falls also?
DEREK: They had moved to Pawtucket.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: So, I was staying with them, and my father wasn’t doing that great, and I remember now I was getting told that, you know, “Your father’s very sick, he’s probably not going to make it,” this and that and everything. And I remember the change, I mean, he was pretty much bedridden, and she came back. It only ended up being for a week, but in that week, I remember even getting angry a little bit with the adults in my family, thinking to myself, “Why did you people tell me he was sick, and he was dying, why would you tell me that? He’s fine, look at him, he’s outside, he’s playing baseball with me, he’s playing catch with me, like he’s fine.” And I really thought he was fine.
JEH: Who was taking care of your dad?
DEREK: My grandmother who lived right upstairs.
JEH: Okay and did he pass away shortly after?
DEREK: Yes, very. Like I said, in my head, obviously the love that, I mean, look at the difference that it made having her in his life, how much he loved her. I mean, some of the stories I hear now, I didn’t realize then.
JEH: What did your dad pass away from?
DEREK: Lung cancer.
JEH: After your dad passed away, I think you said you were twelve?
DEREK: Yes.
JEH: Did you see your mom after that?
DEREK: Well, that’s what was kind of, not weird to me, I don’t know, I think back, I don’t know, I guess maybe because I was young. The way, I don’t know, it seems weird the way the whole situation, how I handled it kind of. Like, I know I had feelings, but I kind of like, I didn’t really break down when I got the news that my father had passed. I didn’t really have a strong, like I remember when everything happened, when my father passed away my aunt and uncle actually sat me down.
I mean, in my head I remember thinking, I don’t have my mother anymore because, one, she left, but two, I can’t ever speak to her again, because of how much my family absolutely despises her. I mean, she’s out of the family, I’m not going to be allowed to. My aunt and uncle sat me down and actually told me straight out that they understand, she is my mother. They will never speak with her again whatsoever, but if I want, if I choose to, they’re not going to hold it against me or anything like that.
JEH: So, what about your teenage years?
DEREK: Teenage years, I mean, that’s when my aunt and uncle, I lived with them, like I said, as a child I wouldn’t have doubted that they loved me, I mean, now that I’m an adult I can kind of put it into perspective, as, you know, I kind of put a halt on their life too, I mean, my cousins were older, they were getting ready to move out on their own, so my aunt and uncle were probably getting ready to live their life too, and now you got a twelve-year-old.
JEH: Tell me about your high school years?
DEREK: So, I mean, I was kind of imprisoned most of my high school years because my report cards weren’t, and even though I’d be sitting up in my room with plenty of time to do homework anyway, I just wasn’t trying to do homework, it was boring, it was easy, so, you know, I’m playing video games. And my uncle, I knew in my head too, my aunt was the enforcer. She worked second shift, so I got to a point where I knew, you know what, if it’s 80 degrees or higher, once my aunt goes to work, my uncle’s going to come upstairs.
He doesn’t want to be bothered with me, he’s going to tell me, “It’s nice out, if you want to go out go ahead, just make sure you’re back before your aunt gets home.” So, yeah, I’d go out, I mean, basketball, I look back on it now, I wish I had never picked up a basketball because I had way too many hopes and way too many desires, and thoughts that, you know, basketball could be the thing. Where obviously, I mean, being 5’8” and 120 lbs., basketball’s probably not realistic in what you should be focusing on.
JEH: There are point guards at 5’8”.
DEREK: Yeah, that’s what I used to tell myself. But, I mean, I was good, so, I mean, I was to a point, that was all I did. So, overall, like I said, as a kid, I mean, high school, teenage years were great, I mean, other than when I was grounded just because —
JEH: You could do what you wanted.
DEREK: Right, my aunt and uncle, I mean, yeah. Now that I’m an adult, like why didn’t you discipline me, why didn’t you. I mean, it’s been brought up to me as an adult, “Maybe they probably didn’t know how to handle you themselves. I mean, they probably didn’t want to push you too much in this and that.” Well, you know what, maybe. But, I mean, that ended up, towards the end of my teenage years, that’s when things got really, really bad.
JEH: So, you graduated high school.
DEREK: Senior year, teenage year, that’s when life got really like, I mean, I was pretty much still okay, life wise and everything, I still had my aunt and uncle, had family, had everybody there if I needed them and stuff. But I had never known apparently, obviously when my father passed away and my aunt and uncle had to take me in, obviously I guess they got money, Social Security.
JEH: Sure.
DEREK: At the time, my mother, I had gone to visit her, I’m not proud of it now and everything, obviously it was out of anger and hurt, but for those first, I guess maybe not even first few years, almost right up until she passed away, overall I treated her badly, and I mean, I just took advantage of whatever I could, as a kid I guess I felt, you know, she owed me for what she did or whatever. I was using her car at the time.
JEH: When did you leave their house?
DEREK: He let me walk out of the house everything, he never said a word to me. And then on top of that, apparently went, whatever had been said or whatever, but from that day I lost everybody, my grandmother, my cousins, who were like my brothers and sisters growing up, because like I said, they lived on the third floor, this was the same aunt and uncle who lived on the third floor when I was a child, moved to Pawtucket. I lost them. I didn’t have access to, you know, the outer uncles, whatever they put in their ears, whatever.
So, I finally asked, down the line, I asked my grandmother what it was, it never hit me to ask her, “What were you told that happened,” and the answer didn’t make me happy for many reasons, she told me I had chosen to go live with my mother. Where it didn’t make me happy, because one, it was false, and I didn’t go live with her, and, I mean, I remember flipping out on my grandmother, saying, “I didn’t go live with her, my sister went nuts looking for me. My sister had contact with my mother.”
JEH: So, you and your friend with his truck, you load up all your stuff, now what do you do?
DEREK: My mother, at that point, like I said, I treated her badly, and she allowed me to treat her badly. I’m sure it was probably; she was feeling so much remorse and everything too. By that time Sam had already passed, he passed too. So, she was better, but she still wasn’t, she wasn’t the mom that I remembered growing up, like she changed completely. I mean, the fact that she would, I mean, when I was a kid, I mean, if I were to talk to her the way that I was when I became an adult, I would have got smacked in the head. Like now, she’s just submissive to everything I say.
JEH: The respect is gone?
DEREK: Yeah, like a kid I didn’t mind that, because “Hey, go do this for me, or you know, I want this bike, go buy it for me.” Yeah, she’s doing it, as a kid I didn’t mind it so much, but at the same time, like I have no respect for you.
JEH: So, did you go to live with her?
DEREK: I went to at least stay with her for the next few days. I mean, I didn’t want to, we couldn’t be around each other for long periods of time, so we knew that. But I knew she wasn’t going to have a choice, I told her, I mean, I’m putting my stuff at your house. And that’s when; I never really thought about it or put it in perspective or anything like that, but I guess that would actually be, especially when you think of home, as home, a place you could go to safely, and feel safe. I guess that would be originally when I became homeless.
JEH: I see.
DEREK: Because I never was, luckily through high school I had plenty of friends. I remember instantly I didn’t go stay with my mother, a friend of mine let me stay with him, well his parents let me stay with him, we were all too young, which not that I’m an adult, is just amazing to me, because obviously that wouldn’t last too long, all right, another friend, another friend, I mean, a couple of nights here and there I had slept outside, but I knew areas in Pawtucket good enough where, I mean, I wasn’t outside, outside, I was like in a truck or somewhere.
I was all right, I had enough friends when I wasn’t, and eventually my sister found me. I lived with her for a while, that didn’t work out, and then I was old enough too at that point where —
JEH: How old were you then?
DEREK: Getting around twenty-one, twenty-ish, and everything living with her. So, now that’s when I started like a serious relationship, it was a high school girl I knew, and I left for the Air Force. It kind of leads all into each other, like what happened, so I didn’t graduate, so my senior year through high school was really bad, getting thrown out and everything was going really bad, my relationship with my mother, this and that.
So, all right, I get my first serious relationship. I think she saw better for me in the future and everything, like, you know what, “I think the Air Force, you should try the Air National Guard, get your GED, I want you to join the National Guard.” I mean, obviously problems were already, that’s another issue I had earlier in life. Before I left for the Air Force things, I remember we were together when I left for the Air Force, so I don’t remember exactly what happened, why we had broken up for a short period of time.
That’s funny, my mother comes into this too, our relationship wasn’t great, but we were in contact, I worked with my mother for a few years at the same place, so she would be my ride to work in the morning. There’s been three times in my life that I attempted to end my life, and the first time was the first serious relationship, we had broken up and decided, I don’t know, even though —
JEH: This is before the Air Force?
DEREK: Yeah, right before the Air Force. And I remember, I don’t know, maybe I just wasn’t serious about wanting to kill myself, because I don’t know, in my head I was like, all right, I’d go to a bridge and look down, and like, no way, I’m afraid of heights, but obviously the result that you’re looking for. So, I decided, you know what, I’m going to go to the store, in my head I was nervous, didn’t know how much people pay attention. I’m going to stop at a few stores, because if I go to one store and buy five different bottles of sleeping pills, they might be a little curious to know what I’m doing here, so let me go to a few different stores, and you know what, I’m going to buy a few bottles. And I did that.
And I remember to this day, I mean, some of the worst hallucinations I ever, never liked spiders that much in the first place, but to this day, I won’t even kill an ant, I won’t kill a mosquito, I won’t kill any living thing, but if I see a spider, you’re dead. Because I remember at one point, literally my entire floor, ceiling, walls, bed, carpet, everything covered in spiders.
But I remember also too, waking up and my mother coming to pick me up for work and me telling her I’m not going, I’m not making it, I don’t feel that great, and she left. I remember her coming back to pick me up for work. I remember getting a little meaner with her, I’m telling her, I told you I’m not coming to work, like why do you keep bugging me? I went back in the house, knocking on my door again, who is it, it’s my mother, she’s here to pick me up for work.
All right, I made it through that one, I got back with my girlfriend, left for the Air Force, because I remember even being in the Air Force, you know, if you ever do anything like that, they ain’t taking you, the military ain’t taking you.
JEH: Let me ask you, what specifically drove you to even try to take your life?
DEREK: Depression.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: Like I said, losing. I don’t know, I think, I mean, I still am to this day. I’ve had even close friends tell me when I get into a relationship, and in my head too, I think it’s from being a child and seeing that with my father. I don’t want to be hurt like he was, but when I get into a relationship. I mean, I had one of my closest friends, we don’t talk anymore, but tell me one day like, I love too much that’s the problem, where I end up afterwards, yeah, I mean, I’m a wreck if the relationship doesn’t work out.
And it will even take me sometimes, like I said, up until that first Pain to Purpose course, a couple of years ago, I didn’t even realize how long it’s been since my ex, until I saw a memory on Facebook the other day, and said to myself, like it’s been seven years, I thought this was like two years ago, it’s been seven, wow.
JEH: So, how did you pick up your life after your attempt at suicide?
DEREK: Like I said, I got back with the same girl. She decided, I mean, now that I’m an adult too, I think she just, she was ready to move on too. I think she just didn’t want to hurt me again, but, I mean, she talked me into, you know what, maybe in the military, you need something in your life. So, all right, I’m going to join the National Guard, get my GED, join the National Guard, I’m doing this for you, all right, I’ll do it.
All right, I get down to basic training, basic training’s already hard enough. The first week in I get a letter from her, she doesn’t want to be together anymore. Like I said, I’m already. I’m the type, that was the first serious relationship, but even other, the little high school relationships, yeah, you could see, I wasn’t in it just for, I’ve never been a one-night stand guy, I’ve never been, if I’m going to talk to you, if I want to talk to you, it’s I want something out of it. My plan with anybody that I’d ever been with, is this isn’t just going to be, this is going to eventually.
So, yeah, when she did, and here I am in basic training, all of me wants to, you know, be that, especially the guys in basic training, you know, be that little, be that little girl and crying my eyes out, I can’t do this, I want to go home, but you can’t, I’m in basic training, they’re not going to accept, your girl broke up with you, this and that. Stick it through, I had to show nothing. Yeah, I made it through that, I was fine. I remember at one point it hit me while I was down in tech school, why am I doing the National Guard, what do I have to go back to; absolutely, nothing, here’s a chance to see the world, experience different things.
JEH: Okay. When is the second time you thought about taking your life?
DEREK: The second time was a little, I mean, that one wasn’t so much, that one I remember I was a little depressed, but it wasn’t bad, it was more of a, like you know what, I never, I never planned on, or I didn’t want to make it past this age. So, I went ahead with sleeping pills again, but in my head I kind of, I mean, I don’t think it was really a full attempt.
JEH: And how old were you?
DEREK: This time I was twenty.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: So, it wasn’t a full attempt, because I had taken less pills than I took the first time. So, I mean, in my head I kind of, in my head I was thinking, well, you know what, I mean, I know this is out of my system, but you know what, seeing I did this once before, maybe I don’t need as many this time. So, yeah, I did, nothing really came of that.
The third time, that’s the one like, I would even tell people who would try and tell me, “Oh, I know how you feel,” and I would have to tell them like, listen. Because I remember the first time, I didn’t think twice about it, grabbed them pills, got home, didn’t even think about it, just took them. The second time, same thing.
The third time was after the Air Force, I came back, was doing pretty good; I met a girl. I mean, up until that point never connected with somebody ever like this before, where I mean, we were friends first, we became unbelievably close, we got together, things were great. The way it ended, obviously nobody’s happy the way it ended, I mean, I remember one of the things, obviously life was already Godless, I wasn’t a happy person, I was kind of a miserable person. My personality, everybody knew me for being the miserable person, being the person that would point things out, being the jerk.
But the relationship was great, and yeah, I thought it would be great, but she loved me, I remember at the beginning, she loved me because I was miserable, because I didn’t hold back, because I was the jerk. Eventually she turned it on me towards the end, and then threw that in my face and said that she just didn’t feel that I made her happy because I was always so miserable and was always such a jerk. Now, here she is telling me that she’s leaving because I’m miserable. It ended up being a seven-hour argument, talk, where I’m pleading with her, like, no, believe me, you make me happier than, I’ll do anything. “No, no, no.” Maybe she just wanted to end it but that one hit bad.
JEH: How long were you together?
DEREK: About three years.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: And that one, that’s when I decided, you know what, I can’t. I want to say like 25 or whatever. I remember this time, this time I was making sure, I was going to as many stores that I needed to; I was buying enough. But this was also too, I ended up, anybody that knows Providence at all, Bally’s on Mineral Spring Ave, I mean, that’s where we all met, that’s where we used to hang out, I worked at that McDonalds. But behind Vallee’s there was like this little area we all smoked weed and stuff at the time. There was a little path that led to a back street.
That’s where I went. It was about 11:00 o’clock at night, and this time for whatever reason I remember I had sat there, I had to like, I put myself through hell, because this time before I took these pills I sat there and made myself think, all right. I mean, not for nothing, I had gone out, I had bought 600 pills.
JEH: Sleeping pills?
DEREK: Sleeping pills. So, in my head I knew, you do this, you’re not waking up, so are you ready. And I sat there, like I said, the first two times I didn’t think twice about it. This time I’m sitting there, making sure I’m thinking it through, and put every thought that I had, you’re never going to see so and so again, you’re never going to see a tree again, you’re never going to see the sun, you’re never, that’s it, and I still did it.
And that’s when I tell people, they try and tell me, “I know how you feel.” Until you can get to that point and think about everything that you’re going to lose, and still want to go through with it, don’t tell me you’re going to know what it’s like or you know how it feels.
JEH: How long do you think you sat there?
DEREK: I remember, it was a good hour. And I think sitting there it was kind of, I mean, I remember in my head thinking, I don’t want to not, but I remember the thought that always got me through too is, yeah, you’re not going to want, you’re not going to want to see, you’re not going to. Once you take this, you’re not going to feel anything, you’re not going to feel like you regretted it, it’s over, it’s done, regret is gone. I used to think too, I don’t want to do this because I don’t want to hurt this person, I know this person might be upset, I’m worried about upsetting them.
It sounds like a jerk, but I’m not going to feel bad, I’m not going to be here to feel bad. It’s a horrible attitude to have, but if you’re wanting to do something to yourself, that’s the right attitude to have, because it makes you realize that you’re not going to be here to deal with the pain or see these people going through what they’re going through. And I would always tell myself too, the amount of death that I’ve dealt with, it’s not like anybody’s not going to move on.
Like I said, still up until that point I had my own apartment here and there, but probably from my childhood I’ve never been good with money, so I’ve never been able to hold onto a place, I mean, my credit is probably horrendous, because I was never really shown the importance of credit or handling money.
I mean, even when I met this girl with the shaved head, I mean, we had met, well, actually I did have an apartment; I was in the process of moving, all my stuff was in the apartment, and by chance in my life, more luck than I’ve had, the apartment building that I was living in, with all my stuff, all my Air Force stuff, everything I owned, burned to the ground; I lost everything. So, again I was homeless, sleeping on friend’s couches, her couch, her two roommates.
JEH: I want to go back, you’re sitting there for an hour, and you decide to take the sleeping pills, what happens?
DEREK: Well, that was the other part, I remember telling myself, trying to get myself to get to the point to take them, you know what, you can always, you hear people that survive jumping, you always hear, it’s always the same story you hear, as soon as they jumped, they had wished they didn’t. So, in my head I started thinking, well, you know what, at least take them, once you take them, you’ll possibly will feel this, uh-oh, I probably shouldn’t have done this.
And you know what, if you feel that way, pick up the phone right away or the hospital is not far, get going. I got myself to the point, finally, all right, you know what, let’s do it. And the part that tells me even more, that I tell people even more, not only to go ahead and do it, and after thinking all that, don’t tell me that you know what it feels like.
But once I went ahead and did it, the fact that I didn’t panic, the fact that I didn’t grab the phone, the fact that I didn’t even, like the first two times, sit there and wait for the pills to put me to sleep. But I remember waking up, and I remember seeing it, and I remember just looking up and there were two kids just like staring at me, not laughing or anything, but like, what in the heck is wrong with this guy. And I just started like screaming at them, not words or anything, I remember just, ARRGH! Like just screaming. Finally I started walking, start walking around, I mean, I knew the area, but I’m still completely out of it, I’m just walking, walking. I don’t remember what it was I was looking for, but I was so out of it, I remember I ended up coming up to this little office building that I’d walked by pretty much daily.
JEH: So, this was during the daytime?
DEREK: Yeah, because I had done this about, like I said, I took the pills, it was about 11:00 the night before, 10:00 or 11:00 the night before. I was outdoors when I took them, so when I woke up. So, now I leave there.
But now I start walking up the road and I remember like looking up ahead now and I see two cops at this little intersection and they’re talking to a couple of people, and I see them look down towards me and right there I knew in my head, and I guess maybe right there I had finally come to somewhat consciousness, where I ended up, I walked up to them and just sat down right in the middle of the road, put my hands like. That’s when the cops came over, “Are you all right? What’s going on?”
That’s when I told them, well, I just took 600 pills last night. And that’s when even they, cops, especially in North Providence, I’m not a cop basher, but when it comes to North Providence, I have nothing nice to say about them. But that one time, I mean, I was in my head thinking, all right, here they go, they’re going to think I’m a drug addict, I just downed a bunch of pills, I’m skinny, I’ve got bad teeth, I know what I look like, they’re going to rough me up and treat me like bad. No, they were very, very, very considerate and got me right to the hospital, where I’m thinking I’m going to get in trouble, I’m even thinking I’m going to get in trouble for ripping this guy’s plants out. No, “We’re bringing you to the hospital right now.”
I spent about a week in the hospital, but every time I’ve ever been in the hospital, obviously they’re good, in the fact that they leave it on you to decide when you think you’re ready to be released. I know that time in particular my mental state was still not good, I still was depressed, I still wanted to kill myself, but you know what, I don’t want to sit here in this hospital anymore. You know what, I’m going to win an Oscar right now, and I’m going to get them to believe I’m fine, yeah, I’m good. Because you know what, I’m already a pro at this, I’ve been dealing with this, I know I can convince them, each and every time I’ve had them let me leave with no doubts in their head that I’m fine.
Even before I leave, I’m not, my mindset hasn’t changed at all. Like I said, up until these last few months, well, maybe the last year or so, but literally there was a point I would say from, maybe even earlier, but at least from the age of twenty-one, I’m forty-eight now, let’s say until I was forty-four, where not a single day went by that I didn’t think about killing myself. Where maybe not thinking of doing it, but at least thinking, why not, like what am I doing this for.
JEH: You found no purpose in life?
DEREK: Right, there’s nobody here, nobody would care, it wouldn’t affect anybody’s life. To me, I’m wasting air, I’m not doing anything with my life, I’m not going to make it now, too late for that, I’m too old.
JEH: When and how did you make it to Woonsocket?
DEREK: Woonsocket, there was still problems, I was homeless, staying in shelters in Providence.
JEH: How long were you in shelters in Providence?
DEREK: A couple of years. And I remember that’s when; I remember the first time like real homelessness was going to hit. Like I said, not having friends, all right, I can go stay there, oh, my God, I’m going to have to go stay at a shelter. In my head I’m thinking like the movies, where am I going to sleep, where am I going to eat, how am I going to shower, how am I going to this, how am I going to do that. All right, you don’t want to be homeless.
This is where I tell people, like sometimes it’s not fun being homeless, but to me overall it’s way too easy. Because once I became homeless and got down there in Providence, I mean, I was amazed, the first thing they handed me was this sheet that was set up daily, everywhere that you could go, this place serves breakfast, this place serves lunch, this place serves dinner.
So, you don’t go hungry, every shelter has a shower. If you don’t go stay at the shelter, you can go to Crossroads, take a shower, you can even do laundry. There’s free things everywhere if you just go there. You know what, I got kind of comfortable, my first thought was, I’m not going to be homeless for more than a month, and I ended up almost three years.
JEH: In Providence?
DEREK: Yeah, even lived in the tents in Providence, we were on the news, everything. That first one that was up there, Camp Runamuck, it was on the news all the time; I was there. And the funny thing about that, I look back, maybe my life has been that bad, but you know what, that first spot we had in the tents on the side of the river over there near the fish company, like, yeah, you know what, it wasn’t like being homeless, it was like camping, it was almost like a vacation to me. I mean, we all got along pretty good, we even had fires every night, it was one of the best times of my life.
Homelessness shouldn’t be one of the best times of your life. Whether it’s because your life is that bad, homelessness is that good, or like I said, it’s too easy. Because I would look over too, and we had a group of like twenty-year-olds, what makes them not want to be homeless. They sit here and they party it up all night, going to the clubs and the raves, and doing their drugs and whatever, and then they get to sleep all day, wake up, go stand out on the corner, get about $100 bucks, and then out and party all night again, come back and do it all over again. What makes a kid not want to live like that, they’re living it up right now, they’re partying.
JEH: So, how did you make it to Woonsocket?
DEREK: I started hanging around with one kid in particular, he didn’t seem too, too bad. I had a couple of friends that “Hey, you know what, do you want to come and hang out with me for the day? I’ve got a couple of friends in Pawtucket; they’ve got an actual apartment. They let me hang out there during the day, they smoke weed, you want to come and hang out?”
And they eventually wanted to come out to Woonsocket. And I remember growing up in Pawtucket and Central Falls, no offense to Woonsocket, but I never heard anything really nice about Woonsocket, I had no desire to come out to Woonsocket whatsoever. And I remember the funny thing was when we first came out to Woonsocket, compared to Pawtucket or Providence, it’s funny, to me, it came down to, I realized it all depends on what side of Social Street you live on. Because when I first moved to Woonsocket, we lived up on Robinson Street, which I mean, now, sadly all of Woonsocket is starting to go bad.
But I remember when I first moved to Woonsocket I was amazed, I loved it, I absolutely. I mean, I don’t feel I’m invincible, I don’t feel I’m bigger, I mean, I’m not bigger or badder than anybody else, but you know what, for the first time in a long time I felt like I could walk down the street, to not worry about getting harassed possibly, are we going to get into a fight today, am I going to run into somebody ignorant. I’m going to the basketball courts now again, because the kids here in Woonsocket are actually like respectful. It’s amazing, like this is Rhode Island. If you go to Pawtucket, they’re punks and they just want to fight, and Woonsocket is beautiful, I love this place.
JEH: How many years ago did you come here?
DEREK: 2010, I’d say, about fourteen years ago.
JEH: And where did you first settle?
DEREK: It was Robinson Street. Like I said, I thought it was nice; I never really came down towards the city though, I mean, I played basketball, I had the high school over in that direction, so I was over there all the time. The roommates got married, they got divorced, so we all split up. I ended up going back to Pawtucket for a little while, didn’t like it, came back out here, and this time lived in a boarding house on Pond Street, on the opposite side of Social Street.
I stayed out here, I mean, it’s cheaper, I was working in Pawtucket up until a couple of years ago. For the longest time, people thought I was crazy because I was riding my bike, taking the bike paths, taking a forty-five-minute ride to and from work every morning, “Why don’t you just move to Pawtucket? Because it’s too expensive. Well, why don’t you just get a job in Woonsocket? No, because I’ve been with this guy for like ten years now.”
JEH: How long were you living at the boarding house?
DEREK: The boarding house; I was at for about two years.
JEH: And then where did you go?
DEREK: And then this last relationship started, and I ended up moving in with her back in Pawtucket. And this last relationship I wouldn’t wish on anybody, that’s the one where that Pain to Purpose course, I remember that first week, the amount that. This girl: we met while we were homeless. She had a boyfriend when we met, but we all, even the boyfriend, we became, we were unbelievably close friends, but especially me and her, we would sit up like all night sometimes just talking, talk and talk and talk and talk. And I mean for the longest time even her boyfriend could see that; he would make jokes, wow, we should be together more than him and her. “Yeah, if we ever break up, I’m definitely going after Derek.
JEH: So, the three of you were homeless or living in a place?
DEREK: Homeless.
JEH: In Pawtucket?
DEREK: This was in Providence, that first tent spot that I was at, that’s where we originally met.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: So, through all that, friendships and everything, they ended up getting a place, that’s when I came out here. I still spoke to her because she knew it too, I mean, that’s what she loved about me was that she knew I wanted to be with her, she knew I had a thing for her, but I had respect for her boyfriend, and I was friends with her boyfriend too; I wasn’t pushing the issue. So, that’s what she liked about it too because every other guy was like, “Why don’t you leave this guy.” No, no, no, I’m not like that, if I ever get lucky enough, but by all means, if not, then I’m happy for you, I mean, you guys are great together.
The time came, I mean, I was told I had a chance. In that short time I begged and pleaded, put myself out there, put my feelings out there more than I ever had before, and she chose somebody else after all, which just devastated me. We lost contact.
JEH: She chose someone else besides her boyfriend?
DEREK: Her and her boyfriend had finally broken up. It was over, so I had thought, all right, this is my chance, I mean, everything that I had heard, if we ever break up, it’s me, I mean, who else. And I remember even on the way, talking to her, and being in my buddy’s van, and in my head, as soon as I got off the phone, as soon as I was happy, I put my hands up, she finally broke up.
And then I thought of, unless she found somebody else and that’s why they broke up, because that had never been a thought in my head. Yeah, come to find out. But she had told me, you know, it was still hard for her in her head, she couldn’t decide me or this guy. I ended up learning the hard way, her heart was already decided, her heart was already.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: As soon as she made her decision, which was her decision the whole time, the other guy, I had to go, and all of a sudden it became ugly. Here I am trying to, I didn’t even think I’d reach out, but you know what, I’m going to try and keep the friendship and keep our relationship. We were always flirty and joking, here I am, I’m going to try that, “What are you doing?” It just turned ugly, and we lost touch.
She ended up getting custody of her kid. This guy obviously she chose over me, I mean, just for that alone obviously the amount of hate I had for him. Then when I find out that he did these things to her, and now you’re in jail for what she doesn’t want to discuss or talk about, but I can only from what I’m getting, I do not like this person at all. So, know she’s nervous, she was a drug addict, she cleaned herself up, she’s working on cleaning herself up so that she can get her son. We just hope to God her son loves me or likes me. He’s autistic, he’s two years old, let’s see how he reacts to me. The kid absolutely loved me instantly, for three years that I was with her.
JEH: So, he gets out of jail, she takes her son, and she goes back to him.
DEREK: She didn’t even go back, he had nowhere to go so I was thrown out, I was thrown out of the picture. My stuff was still in the apartment, he’s living there now, I’m not.
JEH: So, now you become homeless?
DEREK: Yep.
JEH: Where do you go?
DEREK: Well, my boss helped me out, I had come back out to the boarding house I was originally at on Pond Street. I knew the landlord pretty good; I came out here and spoke to him. I had worked for him before I had left. I knew he wasn’t too happy that I left, but he was also, he knew why I left, it was because of her, but I think he saw how depressed or miserable I was.
He didn’t have anything really available at the time, but he had one room that was beat up, I mean, it wasn’t rentable, but he knew I had nothing else, he gave me that, and that’s where I was staying from then on. But then me and him, things didn’t work out over there, he threw me out, that’s when I became homeless, and that’s when I started out here.
JEH: What do you do?
DEREK: Storage units, I have a storage unit, that’s what I was doing, and then on like the nicer days, I didn’t know there was a shelter in Woonsocket. I had looked, and every time that I looked on-line the only thing I had ever seen was like the women’s or family shelter. All right, I can’t get in that. So, I’d go down to the bike path or somewhere, unless it was freezing, all right, storage unit.
And then a buddy of mine introduced me to Harvest. He ended up, which I mean, I had been thinking about, I mean, honestly throughout all these years. There were plenty of time where I mean, I’ve made those horrible comments, that I will never follow you again Lord, why do you do this. Obviously, I had an attitude, I’ve had the attitude, you don’t exist, if you exist you wouldn’t put your people through this.
But I’ve always kind of wanted to, I mean, for many, many, many years, maybe to relive happiness too. I wanted to go back to my original church in Central Falls; go to church again, but I just never. While I was homeless in Providence, on Sundays sometimes they have the ministries that will come down on a little bus, bring you to mass. I’d do a couple of those, they weren’t bad, but none of them were ever good enough to want me to keep, it just wasn’t I guess, now, I would say, it wasn’t the time. Where I wish, I wish it were to happen so much sooner.
JEH: So, how long ago did you start coming to Harvest?
DEREK: I’d say, going on about three years now.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: A buddy of mine that I work with, it’s funny, he’s actually, we didn’t know each other beforehand, but we were paired up together, we left down to the Air Force together, me and him went to basic training, same tech school, so we were there together the whole time. Just by chance, about four years ago, like we had lost contact too; didn’t speak to each other for years.
On the bus one day, coming back from work, from Pawtucket, and again I don’t speak to anybody, nobody even knows my name. I’m on the bus, and it took three times, me hearing, “Derek, Derek,” before I even stopped, wait a minute, that’s me. I turned around and looked who is calling me, it’s him, I haven’t seen since the Air Force, of my goodness.
I mean, we were paired up pretty much, in tech school we shared the same room, like we weren’t only there from Rhode Island, they paired us up for everything. He’s the one who got us lost two hours in the wrong direction in Dallas. To this day, he still makes fun of me, because “Who drives two hours in the wrong direction?” Where I don’t put it in his face that, you were the one who said that you knew where you were going, not me, I’ll let that go. I thought it was just odd at the time, but this is amazing how God works.
And it’s funny too, because I still am upset, a little less now, but my friend that I had spoken about earlier, that I was in his van when I was so happy, that was my best friend for at least thirty-two years. He wasn’t the type of friend that you could really like open up and talk to, he didn’t deal much with life with like death or anything like that. I mean, nobody has a perfect life, but he didn’t really deal with a lot of issues, so he wasn’t really the one you could really talk to, but he was always there, I mean, I got no complaints, he’s amazing, I mean, if not for him I don’t know if I would even be here.
JEH: So, now you’re going to Harvest.
DEREK: Yeah, my buddy talks me into, “Hey, why don’t you come and check out this church.” Oh, all right, you know what, for some reason I usually would be like, no. For some reason, all right, it happened to be the baptism one a few years ago up at Spring Lake. So, that’s maybe why he figured, maybe ease me into it, more like a picnic type instead of a church. But, yeah, I went to it and yeah, I remember right then and there that very first, I mean, most of it was Pastor Gene, I mean, he’s amazing.
JEH: He is amazing.
DEREK: The sermon that he gave, like I said, I grew up, I went to church. I think as most kids, I hated church when I was a kid, it’s boring, you don’t want to be there, it puts me to sleep, my priest at Catholic mass, yeah, this is horrible. But Pastor Gene, he was unbelievable, I couldn’t believe like, and then seeing everybody, and you can even see the difference in the church, everybody’s like involved, everybody’s happy, glad to be there.
I mean, I went to my church, we went to my church up until I was eleven, I mean, eleven years I went there, I mean, we knew maybe two other families. We didn’t speak to the rest of them, they didn’t want to speak, they were too good for us. This isn’t a community. Where at Harvest, everybody knows everybody, play the music at the beginning, Pastor Gene. I am hooked, I even told my buddy right there. “Are you going to come next week, I want you to come next week?” I’m, there, are you kidding me. Now, I’m showing up and he’s not even coming anymore. Yeah, I was hooked.
JEH: So, you’re still homeless at this point?
DEREK: Yep, and that’s where I didn’t even know, he had mentioned a Pastor Steve dealt with the homeless, I don’t even think that he knew that there was a shelter. But he was like, “If anybody can help you out.” He was like, “Come to this mass, come to this church, see if you like it, maybe talk to Pastor Steve, see if he knows any.”
Yeah, started doing that and that’s within maybe the first month, Pastor Steve mentioned to me, “You know we have the shelter downstairs?” Where I’m in my head, like, no, this is amazing. So, it’s already now starting to where I might have still been a little like defiant of it, because of the effect of going to that first mass I had already started in my head. Wait a minute, is this happening the way that it’s happening, because no offense to my old friend, but he was my best friend for thirty years, I mean, I never got out from where I was at.
Me and my buddy from the Air Force; to me we’re still two different, we get along great, we’re into different things. So, getting together to hang out on a daily basis, and other than that one kid, I’d always known, having one friend is really bad because what if I ever lose this guy, I got nobody, but in my head, I always thought, well I’m never going to lose this guy, we’re brothers.
JEH: So, when would you say you came to Christ?
DEREK: I started staying down, because that’s the part too, I know so far, I haven’t really, I mean, I know everybody else seems to have this one revelation where it just hit them. Where I think I got maybe not one instance, maybe multiple. Like I said, at the very first mass I knew I wanted more of this, that very first service that I went to, I want more of this.
And then as week went on, I was amazed again. I don’t know if it’s Pastor Gene himself, if it’s just the difference in Christian and Catholic. But I remember it was maybe two months into it, and I’m sitting there laughing to myself, I already know more of the bible in two months than I know going to CCD for how many years, this is amazing. And now, I mean, understanding it more and even understanding like he makes a point to say Catholics, I grew up thinking, oh, my God, I’m a horrible person, I sin. There’s so much more, I don’t know if I can actually pinpoint like one instance that brought me to him.
JEH: So, you come to Harvest, you experience Pastor Gene, and the people, and you like it, something you like, and then you meet Pastor Steve, and he tells you about the homeless shelter downstairs; how long do you stay downstairs?
DEREK: This year I got my apartment thankfully, a month ago, but this year would have been my third year; I was down there for two.
JEH: Okay.
DEREK: I mean, I think part of it too, I mean, at first, I was kind of thinking the reason may be why I even like this, I was thinking maybe it’s selfishness, but it comes down to it was all God again. Where I was thinking that; you know what, maybe it’s the fact that like I haven’t had family, haven’t had anybody to talk to, maybe that’s the reason why. Maybe there isn’t something about this church, maybe there isn’t something about God, maybe it’s the fact that these people have been nice.
But then you think about it, especially now with this last Pain to Purpose course that we just had, this last one hit me hard, wow! No, that’s still God because yeah, I wasn’t happy, why, because I haven’t had God. Now, I got all this happiness with God. He brought me to this church because like they just said in this Pain to Purpose, we’re not meant to be alone. I mean, I guess if anything, all right, it could have been any other church, but it wasn’t, it was this church, for whatever reason.
As sad as that was, where all I say to this person every week is just, hi. But you know what, just for that little bit, I’ve always sat here and said, “I hate people,” I’m not a people person. I don’t like ignorance; I don’t like dealing with stupidity, but you know what, I think I am absolutely a people person. I’d so much rather be around people, the good people, happy people. If you hang around with miserableness, all you have are miserable thoughts, that’s all you’re going to be is miserable. Because in my head I didn’t think the community at Harvest Church, I didn’t think people like this existed anymore.
Like I was telling Pastor Steve, the happiness I’ve had the last two months, I mean, for the first time in my life it’s enough that, I don’t want this to stop; I even want this to get better.
JEH: I think when we get active in the Christian community it just opens up so many doors.
DEREK: It gives hope again. Like I was telling Pastor Steve, happiness, I never realized how important happiness was. I knew why I wasn’t happy for so many years; it wasn’t effecting my life overall that I wasn’t happy, I mean, that doesn’t affect how I do my job, that doesn’t affect how I do this, that doesn’t effect this. Oh, my God, it does so much because it’s all God.
The issues, all these things that have me depressed; they’re not gone now in the last two months, so how all of a sudden, how? If you have happiness, if you have something, again, I don’t know exactly, I can’t pinpoint it. But I know going to church, again, like I said, I didn’t think happiness would make a difference in wanting to improve myself, I always thought I was just sitting there lazy, yeah, I kind of want to improve myself, yeah, big deal, why.
Happiness is so important, because all those bad things are still there. So, this is all God, giving you a different way of handling. And that’s where in my head too, I’ve had people recently bringing up the point that I got baptized, and the very next day I got my letter for the apartment. I got those negative people, “It’s just a coincidence, it’s got nothing to do with it, let me tell you brother, it’s got nothing to do with it.” You know what, if that’s how you want to think, fine, and you might even be right, none of us knows for sure.
JEH: As long as you just keep trusting God.
DEREK: Right, because I know more and more, and I think on the way here was another thing, it’s amazing when you start opening up you realize.
JEH: So, we’re going to wrap up, I want to thank you for telling me about your life. Is there anything that I forgot to ask you, or that you would like to add?
DEREK: It’s the whole faith thing, putting it to God. I think, just the mentality too of it, hey, if you don’t want to believe that, like I said, it’s helped me out; I believe, to me it’s showing more and more. The fact that baptism, the next day, but all these problems that I went through already, obviously it was God that got me through them. The reason they were so tough to get through before though was because I didn’t have any faith that God was going to get me through them.
JEH: Amen, brother.
DEREK: And so far, each issue that I’ve had in the last two months, instead of even stressing about it at all, and going ahead, instead of taking the old school step I would have taken, saying, I need to fix this, it’s me God, you have nothing to do with it. And obviously we still need to do our part too, I’m not saying to sit back and not do anything, but instead of thinking, it’s all me, and it’s, I have to do it all, I have for the first time in my life, sat back and said, why am I so worried, you just brought me this far, you brought me happiness that I forgot, I thought I’d been happy in the past few years.
JEH: It’s different when you have Christ inside you.
DEREK: Now, when you come to realize it, it makes it so much easier, you realize how much, like I said, it’s happening all the time. Just on the walk over here today was the first time I actually put it into perspective that my first eleven years on this planet were perfect, I was happy. We were going to church every week; God was in my life.
JEH: Thank you for sitting with me, your life has been a very interesting and incredible journey.
DEREK: No problem.