JEH: Good afternoon, Cindy.
CINDY: Good afternoon.
JEH: I’d like to open up with a reading from Luke, Chapter 15, Verses 21-24, 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. ’So, they began to celebrate. Amen. I think that verse pertains to every single one of us.
CINDY: Mm-hmm, I could be the prodigal daughter, instead of the son, that’s what I am.
JEH: Yes. So, I want to thank you, Cindy, for being here.
CINDY: My pleasure.
JEH: Could I have your full name?
CINDY: Yep, Cythia Carr.
JEH: And how old are you?
CINDY: Sixty-six.
JEH: And where were you born?
CINDY: Milford, Mass.
JEH: How many siblings?
CINDY: I have four brothers; I’m the only girl.
JEH: Spoiled?
CINDY: Hm-hmm, very. Daddy’s little girl.
JEH: Where are you in the pecking order?
CINDY: I am second from the youngest; I have three older brothers and one younger one, I’m number four.
JEH: Definitely spoiled.
CINDY: Hm-hmm. One brother died of an overdose at age 37, and one brother died unexpectedly at age 58.
JEH: Really! Tell me about your mom and dad.
CINDY: They were hard working; they were both alcoholics. They did the best they could. Back then you didn’t talk about it, you didn’t share it, they didn’t know what was wrong with them, they never got recovery, as I, you know, am blessed to have. They did the best they could; they had to work all the time. There was a lot of abuse, a lot of screaming, yelling, cops there, ambulance.
I was the one that always ran around and tried to shut all the doors, put the windows down, keep it quiet, but you could only do that for so long. But, I mean, there were some good times, you know, I have a lot of fond memories. When they didn’t drink, they were okay. When they drank, all hell broke loose.
JEH: Where in Milford?
CINDY: Near the Milford Hospital. I grew up in Bellingham, we lived in Bellingham, Mass. So, I grew up in north Bellingham, on the Franklin/Medway line.
JEH: So, tell me what it was like growing up?
CINDY: I had a really good time in school; I absolutely loved school. I was very athletic, gymnastics, sports. I went, I don’t know if you ever heard of the Five Presidential Physical Fitness Awards?
JEH: Yes.
CINDY: I won all of them.
JEH: Wow.
CINDY: Yep, I was a gymnast; I had a lot of potential, and I wanted to go on to the Olympics, but once I started drinking/drugging, and smoking cigarettes that all stopped, but I did have potential. They used to bring kids in to race me; I was a sprinter; I was really fast, and I would win all trophies, and ribbons, and I held the record in school for a long time, nobody could beat me.
JEH: Do you still have your ribbons and trophies?
CINDY: Oh, yeah, yep, I kept them all. All through the years, I still have them.
JEH: So, when did you start drinking and drugging, and smoking cigarettes?
CINDY: I started smoking cigarettes at twelve, and then the drugs and alcohol came in at fifteen.
JEH: From the friends you hung with?
CINDY: Yeah, the people I hung around with. I was fifteen years old, and I was dating a guy that was eighteen, and that’s all it took, because back then the legal drinking age was eighteen, so I started drinking and drugging with all the people I hung around with. And it wasn’t peer pressure; I chose to do it; I tried it. And my sister-in-law was living with me, and she introduced me to crossroads, speed and wine, and that’s all it took, it was like instant, off and running.
JEH: That didn’t affect your athletic endeavors?
CINDY: No, because by then I was done, that was my younger years.
JEH: Okay. So, did you graduate high school?
CINDY: Yep. In fact, I loved school, I was a straight A and B student. And I could have graduated even earlier, in the eleventh year, I had all my credits. And I said, no, I wanted to stay with my class. The legal drinking age was eighteen so of course, you know, I had to show off because I could drink. And I took all business courses, and I was having a good time, so I stayed. I worked part-time and then I went to school.
JEH: What was your drink of choice?
CINDY: Wine, wine and Kahlua, mixed drinks. And drugs, anything, anything I could get my hands on. In the beginning, and then at the end it was mostly cocaine; I was a cocaine addict big time.
JEH: So, you graduated high school, and you start doing these things, were you working, what were you doing?
CINDY: Yeah, I was what you call a functioning alcoholic and drug addict. I could work, although a lot of times, I would be late. I got put on all three shifts because I couldn’t get to work on time because I was so hung over. But I was blessed; I could work; I had to because I had to have an apartment and keep a roof over my head. I only was homeless once, one time. But I functioned; I was able to work.
JEH: So, did you find an apartment in Milford?
CINDY: No, Bellingham. Yeah, I stayed in Bellingham for forty years and then eventually in my older years I ended up in Rhode Island.
JEH: So, what was more prevalent, the drinking or the drugs?
CINDY: Drinking first, more prevalent, and then from drinking, so you could drink more, you start doing the speed and coke so that you can stay up all night and party.
JEH: And how long did you do that kind of lifestyle?
CINDY: Close to twenty years.
JEH: And what kind of an affect on your life did it have?
CINDY: Well, it destroyed a marriage. I was married; I got married at twenty-two and by twenty-four I was divorced, in two years. Of course I married an alcoholic and drug addict, and that became abusive.
JEH: Any children from that marriage?
CINDY: No, no children. I wanted to, but he didn’t. He became abusive, and I decided to leave; I said, I’m all done. You know in hindsight; mother always knows best. My mother told me not to marry him, she said he would abuse me, and of course I didn’t listen; I was young and foolish.
JEH: Where was your dad in all this?
CINDY: He was around. There was an age difference between us, he was like ten years older than me, so my father was not happy about that. I was I believe seventeen when we started going out, and he was already twenty-seven. And my dad did not, he used to tell him when he came to the house, he didn’t approve of it, he didn’t want it, but of course I didn’t listen, so my dad was not happy with that.
JEH: So, then what did you do?
CINDY: After I got divorced, my mom and dad was sick a lot too, they were always in and out of the hospital, most of it from the drinking. So, when I first got married, my mom died six months before I got married, she passed away on Christmas Day 1981. So, then, what happened to me was, I called it a license to drink and drug because I was so angry with God of losing her within six months, and being the only girl before I got married.
And my dad was really sick, they were in the hospital together, and he had to have a triple bypass done, and then he was out of work for like seven months. Yeah, that’s when I really became angry with God for taking her, trying to plan a wedding, that was tough.
JEH: So, did that give you a reason to be reckless with your life?
CINDY: Hm-hmm, yep, in my eyes, yeah. Because I felt a strong abandonment from God, he didn’t care. You know, it was hard enough losing my mother, but then my dad was still sick, and we had to deal with that, and I had no coping skills; I wasn’t going to church then. I mean, I was raised a Catholic, and we went to church. My mother sure like we did all the rituals, but my dad was a heathen, he was from the south, he didn’t believe in God, and my mother didn’t drive, so he would take us to church, drop us off, come back an hour later and pick us up. Yeah, he wouldn’t even go into the church.
JEH: I never had a connection with God while I was a Catholic.
CINDY: In hindsight now coming to Harvest, I never heard about Jesus; I never was taught that, nothing, it was always. I used to be there so confused, and if you question the nuns they get mad at you, because we went to catechism, we did the first confirmation, first communion, but you weren’t allowed to ask questions, and I would always be saying, he ends up on the cross, but why, how could somebody do that to him because I was never taught that God was a spirit; I always thought that he was a physical being, so why would he do that to his son. We were never taught right, yeah, we were never taught right, very confusing.
JEH: So, now you find yourself single again, angry, and kind of like all bets are off.
CINDY: Yep.
JEH: What happens?
CINDY: Well, I left home, I was working third shift at the time. We had bought a home, my ex-husband and I, and one night I just went to work, and said, you know what, I’m not going back. I packed a brown paper bag, and I left, and I went back to my dad’s house. I even left my cat there, and I would never do that, but I just had to get out. I just said, no, I’m all done. And I went to my dad’s house, and I stayed there like two weeks, and all I did was sleep; I was so tired; I was so exhausted.
And finally after two weeks he was like, “You want to talk about this, obviously something’s wrong, you’re a married woman and you’re not going home?” I said, no, I’m not going back. And he said, “All right, when you want to talk about it let me know.” And about a few weeks later, my husband kept trying to serve me with papers for divorce, like desertion, because I left Rhode Island and went back to Mass.
And I was a supervisor at Wrentham State School. Yeah, I worked there for ten years. And I had a friend who kept telling me, “They’re coming to serve you.” He was trying to embarrass me at work, but she would cover for me, she’d call me and say, “Go hide in another building.” And I finally got served at my dad’s house, and my dad was like, “Come on in, we’ve been waiting for you.” And he was nice, and the guy was like, the sheriff, “People are never friendly like this.” And my dad’s like, “We’ve been waiting for you, come on, have a cup of coffee, get it over with.”
So, he served me at home, and we went to court, I got divorced, and I just stayed at my dad’s for a while, trying to figure out what to do. I stayed there for a few years, but by then I’m just full-fledged alcohol and drug addiction, yeah, out of control.
JEH: And you don’t have any responsibilities at that moment.
CINDY: No, no, just staying home, you know, cooking, cleaning, helping dad, paying the bills. No, I was carefree, and vowing never to get married again, no relationships. I had gone to AA then, at twenty-two, and I stayed for two years; I was sober, but I kept saying, I’m too young. Because everybody I hung around with was at least ten years older than me. And the day we got married, my husband picked up, he lost his sobriety and that was it, and I just said; you know what, it’s all done now. And then I was blessed because nine years later at thirty-one, I crawled through the doors, beat up, and broken, and came to AA at thirty-one. I was lucky the Lord gave me a second chance, wishing I had stayed the first time.
JEH: What drove you to AA at that point?
CINDY: I had a blackout. I had gone out drinking and drugging that night, and I was reckless, I was all over the place. I was so obsessed with trying to find cocaine, to feed the addiction, and I couldn’t find it. So, I was going from bar to bar to bar. I stopped at one place, and this guy Dave I knew, he was like, “I have this pill, take it,” and I was like, what is it? He said, “Never mind.”
And so I just went into the ladies room and took it, and that was it. I never knew what I was talking. I went into a blackout, and I was driving from bar to bar. And then I woke up the next morning, and I had destroyed my apartment, I flipped the kitchen table. I was like in a fit of rage, in a blackout. My poor cat was hiding in the closet. And I just woke up, and I said, you know, there’s something wrong here. I didn’t even know where I was, what I did.
That went on for a while. And then the job I had at the time; I know now, hindsight, that was a divine appointment. There was this girl working, and she kept bugging me, she would always come in the ladies room around lunch time —
JEH: Was this the Wrentham School job?
CINDY: No, this was another job, NHD, in a warehouse. She would just say, “You know, if you ever want to stop drinking and drugging, I have a solution.” I was like, what are you talking about. She knew because she was sober four years, but I didn’t know. And she just started talking to me, and then finally one night — she kept bugging me, and she wouldn’t leave me alone. So, I said, all right, I’ll go, just to shut her up, her and her husband. They came and picked me up and that was it, I went and just kept going.
JEH: They were talking about an AA meeting.
CINDY: Hm-hmm, yep. They said, “Just come and try it, we’ve had trouble with drugs, we’ve had trouble with drinking, we think it’s your problem.” And I went, and that was it, I kept going.
JEH: How long did that process take?
CINDY: Oh, my goodness; the first five years, I didn’t even know where I was; I was in such a fog, that brain fog, you know, trying to stay sober. The temptation was everywhere, and I had to change everything, and all the people I hung around with, my family, whoever drank and drugged; I just stayed away from them.
JEH: So, let me understand this, were you trying to get off of cocaine and drinking at the same time?
CINDY: Hm-hmm, yeah, and that was tough. And I didn’t know that you go to a de-tox back then, I had insurance, and nobody ever told me that I could have went to a de-tox, and I did it at home and it was horrible. It was terrible, but I did it, the Lord did it actually, but I didn’t know that at the time.
I was bartending at the time, so all the people that would come over the house would always be like, “Come on, we’re going to the beach, we’re going to the ocean, everybody get in the van, let’s go.” And I’d be like, no, I can’t do this. I kept telling myself, if I can get one year and get that first coin, I’d be okay and I’d keep going. And the guy I was with, it was like five years, and he was like, “I’m not going to stop drinking,” and I said, well, you have to go because I found a better life and I want this. So, I stayed.
Now, back at Wrentham State, I’m probably jumping all over the place.
JEH: You’re fine, you’re fine.
CINDY: Back at Wrentham State School, I was, I started on first shift, got put on second shift, because I couldn’t get into work, I had to be in at 7:00 in the morning, I was always late and hung over. I got put on second shift, second shift I was always late, and I got put on third shift, so I had to do all three shifts. Yeah, I could never behave. Even when I was a boss, because I got promoted; I was a hard worker; I loved to work.
JEH: Are the horror stories true about state schools?
CINDY: Yeah, yeah, brutal. And back then, I graduated in June of ‘76 and I went to work there in September of ‘76. I was only eighteen years old, and it was horrible. And I used to get in trouble all the time, because I would break the rules. They had like the matron women, the older women who had been there for years, and you couldn’t change their clothes, they had to stay in the same clothes seven days a week, you couldn’t give them a bath, and I was doing all that. So, I would always get written up, always get suspended; I’d get in trouble. I’d be like, no, they’re humans, you don’t treat them like that.
And they would leave me alone with like sixty-five of them, in what they called the day room, all by myself. But the Lord blessed me, I had a gift, my whole family ended up working there, yeah, we had a gift. My mom worked in the kitchen, my dad drove the bus, one brother worked on the laundry truck, and another brother worked in one of the buildings with the men. Yeah, so the whole family.
I did ten years, and I just tired of the red tape, because every time I tried to do something, I had a special connection with a lot of my patients, and their families liked me because they saw me taking care of them, you know, I didn’t care at what cost. I started in the kitchen, and then I worked my way up to direct care. But I was always breaking the rules, I’d be like, no, they’re not staying in their clothes like this, they’re getting a shower.
JEH: Did you meet anyone that you thought, they shouldn’t be in here?
CINDY: Oh, yeah. Back then, a lot of them were put in there because mothers were wayward, they got pregnant, they weren’t married. A lot of them, the families just didn’t want them, a lot of them were labelled like imbeciles or dumb. And they weren’t, they were so smart.
I mean, I worked with one woman, her name was Helen, and they said, “She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t do anything,” and she would never keep her clothes on, so I always worked with her, and I had a lot of patience with her. So, one day I was just talking to her, and I said, you know, if you keep your clothes on and take a shower, I’ll take you to the canteen, which was like a store. I said, we’ll get coffer and have cake.
And she started laughing at? And she said, “Cindy, I can talk.” And I must have worked with her for probably five years, “I can read and write.” And I said, you’ve got to be kidding me. He name was Helen, she could read, and she could write. But nobody, because she was dirty, and didn’t want to take a shower and wear clothes, would work with her, but there was something about her. She took a shower, she stayed dressed. They said, “She’ll never amount to anything, she’s never going to do anything, but I saw the good in her, I got her talking, she could read, she could write, she went to work. A lot of stories like that.
JEH: So, how old were you when that ended, and what happened next?
CINDY: I was twenty-eight, I was there ten years. From there I went back into like office work. I’ve worked at EMC, I’ve worked at Bose, Snap-on Tools, this other company, Resh. Yeah, I just went back into office work, because I can do data entry and computers.
JEH: At what age were you when you were free of your addictions?
CINDY: Thiry-one, the second time. I started going to AA, and people kept telling me, because the only banner they had then was, “But for the grace of God,” and they would say, “You have to find God.” This guy that I drank and drugged with, I was like, wow, because he was an animal, I was like, if he can get sober, there’s hope for me.
He just got right on me, and he said, “You know what, if you don’t find God, you’re not going to stay sober, it’s, but for the grace of God, you have to get God in your life, he’s the only one that’s going to keep you sober.” So, just to kind of shut him up, I said, all right, I’ll try it. And I just started going to meetings, reading all the literature, the big book, the step book.
He was back in my life, but not like he is today. I wasn’t going to church, I still didn’t understanding anything about being a Christian, and I just knew that God was the one keeping me sober, because he was the only one, I was asking. Every day I would say, please keep me away from a drink and drug.
JEH: Okay, what happened next?
CINDY: I kept going to AA, I kept working. I really didn’t come to the Lord, I’d say until I was about fifty-eight, so it’s only been not even ten years, eight to ten years. I just kept going to AA. Oh, I’m sorry, I did try going to church; I went back to a Baptist church in Woonsocket. And they told me that I couldn’t go to AA, that I had to stop going to AA, and only come to church and rely on God.
And the pastor and his son came to my house one day and visited me to tell me that. And I said, I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with you because that’s where I got my beginning, I’ve sobered up and the Lord has come back in my life, so I’m not going to stop going. And they said, “You’re not allowed to come to our church.” And I said, well, there’s the door, you’ll have to leave.
And then I got angry again, thinking, oh my goodness, I’m trying to get back to the Lord and they’re telling me I can’t, you know, go to their church, so then I really got angry, and I just said, that’s it, I’m not even going to try and go to church.
JEH: What do you do next?
CINDY: I’m still curious; I still want to go back to church though. I was watching Ministry at home; I started watching Charles Stanley. I remembered this woman, Barbara, when I first sobered up, she was watching him, and she introduced me to him, and then I lost track of him.
And I was home one day, and I said, you know what, I’m going to look for him, and I found him on TV, and I started watching him. And I remember clear as day, I said, out loud to the Lord, I said, if you have a service for church outside, I will go. And lo and behold, I think it was a week or two later, I was reading the Bargain Buyer, it’s a paper that Burrillville publishes, and there was a church service outside. And it was Baptist, and I said, well, whatever, I said, I’m going to go check it out. And I got back to church. I went to the church, it was outside, they had the service outside in Harrisville, and then they had food afterwards, and I decided on going back to church.
JEH: Why was “outside” a condition?
CINDY: I don’t know, I’m a nature person, I love being outside, and it was just summertime, and I think it was July or August. Yeah, for some reason I made that stipulation, if you have service outside, I’ll go to church.
JEH: So, you started going there, how long did you go there?
CINDY: I went there for five years, and I learned a lot about outreach, but I started questioning a lot of what the pastor was teaching. I kept saying, this doesn’t sound right, you know, we never talk about Israel, we don’t try and save people. He was starting to do the Pride month for June and all that, the transgender and all that stuff. And I said; I don’t think we’re supposed to be.
So, I approached him a few times, not in front of the church, separately. And he was like, “Oh, you know, we believe here that Jesus said that you have to repent for your sins, but we don’t feel that way, we can do what we want.” And I’m like, whoa, time out, there’s something wrong here.
And then I was bringing the food to Harvest Church for the mens shelter. That’s what started me going to Harvest, and I started bringing the food from the old church, Berean Church to Harvest Church, and I would see Pastor Steve all the time. And I would slowly start talking to him and say, you know, I’m not comfortable in this church, there’s stuff going on. We talked a little bit, and he just kept saying, “Come join us on Sunday morning at 10:00.” And I would say, my church is at 10:00, and he said, “Well, you’ve got to think about it.”
So, this went on for a few months. And then finally one day, I said, you know what, I’ve had enough, I went and talked to him some more and said, this is going on, that’s going on. He said, “Well, did you approach him?” I said, yeah, not in front of anybody, I didn’t embarrass him in front of the church or anything, I pulled him aside. He said, “You did it right, that’s the way you’re supposed to.” He said, “Does he want to talk about it?” I said, no, he got angry with me and just said, “This is the way we’re doing it.” So, he said, “Come join us.” So, I just went one day, and I said, that’s it, I’m all done. The first time I went to Harvest I was like, wow, I’m home, I knew, that was the place to be.
JEH: How many years have you been going to Harvest?
CINDY: Three, about three and a half, yeah. I went then and we just never stopped going.
JEH: So, when did you know you had God and there was no turning back?
CINDY: Probably around, I remember getting my ten-year anniversary, and going up to receive my coin and my cake in AA, and really talking heavy about God, and all these special gifts I thought I had, and things were happening. So, it probably took me a good ten years being sober, of constantly doing the steps, doing the big book, talking to people about God.
The desire for alcohol and drugs, it’s been removed, it’s just been gone for years. I don’t even think about it; I never have a temptation for drinking or drugs. It’s been gone, I just celebrated thirty-five years back in April. Even now, smoking, I finally quit again, it’s been a little over three years, and it’s gone, it’s not, because I was a chronic [sic] relapser with smoking; I would stuff all my feelings with it. I finally just said, you know what, Lord, I’m done, take it. And it’s been a little over three years and it’s gone.
JEH: It’s not hard for God, is it?
CINDY: No, when we totally surrender and say, I’m done, take it. I know in hindsight, the grace of God was with me, no matter what I’ve been through, the angels were watching over me. I’m blessed that I’ve gotten so many chances again; I’m so humble and grateful that the Lord has just given me this chance, and I can help Harvest Church, and that’s my passion to just help people. I want to thank Pastor Gene for heading 2.0 Door Hanger Ministry. He saw the love of Jesus in me, by passing out 5,000 bibles first.
JEH: Thank you, Cindy.
CINDY: Thank you.